Speaking In Tongues

I received this nonsense as a pitch for an advertorial this morning. ..Well I can't fathom its meaning, but then I am suffering a virulent bout of manflu.

You have a go.

"We are reaching a wide audience who may or may not understand the opportunities that exist in the industry and really hit home with a number of key benefits geared to transform curiosity into action."

Eh..?

And Here We Go Again..

Parking suspended on our street from midnight tonight to midnight Tuesday.

Now wondering who will be digging up the road and why and even if anything will happen at all.

Moreover, I'm wondering at why the midnight limits. Do these works happen at night? I hope not as they're just outside the bedroom window.

Mmmmm..

Dumb And Dumber 2

..And lo today, the parking suspension signs have disappeared.

Clearly, that very special olympic torch handover planned for Brighton Road was diverted to Mare Street at the last minute..

Chaos averted, but will those poor sods ticketed overnight be able to successfully appeal? Will they ****!

Dumb And Dumber

So Hackney Council - in its infinite stupidity - has struck again.

There are notices the length of Brighton Road that parking is suspended along the whole street for two days from midnight tonight to midnight Friday.

And the reason for this wholesale suspension of parking privileges? ...Unknown and unfathomable.

Are they going to resurface the whole road in two days? ... Highly doubtful.

Is one (or more) of the nation's magnificent utilities going to dig a very long hole, effect necessary works, refill and resurface in a couple of days? ...See that flying pig?

These are typically the two reasons for suspending parking. And when there are works, suspension is usually phased.

So why close a whole street for 48 hours?

Surely not to generate revenue? Tsk.

The same thing happened on our street too -- you may recall my giddy note about a few months ago. Parking was suspended then for the better part of a week and through all that time there wasn't a hint of works, repairs, deliveries, police actions, protest marches ot ticker-tape parades. But still PCNs were liberally issued.

I shudder to think how many weaselly little parking wardens the council has drafted-in to patrol (erm, skulk around) in the wee small hours and stick in-disputable penalty notices on the unsuspecting homeowner's Mini, GeeWizz or (ehem) Land Rover..? A small army I'll be bound.

And closing off parking in Brighton just means that everyone from zone E must move their vehicles and park half a mile away. ..Because of course, if we were to park conveniently around the corner, we'd be in the wrong zone and liable to further penalty. ..Probably clamped given the council's malicious, inept and preposterous planning strategy.

Damn. I really hate Hackney Council.

I could, of course, be proven wrong and there might be a brilliant, logical and wonderfully altrusitic reason for this 48 hour disruption.

..But then we're right back to those porkers upon high.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Apparently it's not enough to merely home, feed, water, walk and generally tend to the every need of one's furry friend. No sir-ee.

As Kate Muir noted in her Sunday Times magazine column today, the right-on PC brigade demand that our critters are afforded a level respect hitherto reserved for royalty and the mega-elite.

So for fear of offending the delicate sensibilities of our canine and feline companions, they are no longer to be classed as pets, but animal companions.

Are they soon to be awarded suffrage too?

Has the world gone mad?

Gang Of Four

P had her first trimester scan yesterday and this is junior S at week 14. ..Humm, it's not exactly flattering is it?

And while mum and (evolving) 'grub' are doing nicely thanks, we're hopeful that the angular, squared features are on account of the poor scan quality, not some unknown and distant hereditary disfigurement. But, hey, this image does bear an uncanny resemblance to an Easter Island statue.

And as for dad? On the strength of this evidence, I now must fulfil my promise and quit smoking. And it's so easy to say with grand pronoucements weeks in advance, but damn it's hard in practice. Am weaning with very infrequent puffs on mega, mega lights.

Sweet And Dandy

A colleague returning from vacances delivered a large packet of the Gallic delight, Carambars, to a desk very near me. Yum.

Entente cordiale is alive and well in NW1.

SCB v2.4

Yet another in my very randomly observed series of Stupid Corporate Branding (SCB).

Spied in Bloomsbury this morning, an eCourier delivery van with the legendary tag..

"Happieness Delivered"

What cock.

Chelsea Dagger

Magnificent. Absolutely magnificent. Chelsea 4, Portsmouth 0.

What a way to open the season.

That's Pompey thoroughly humbled. And they're a decent side too.

Scolari really has made his mark and boring, boring Chelsea looked like a Brazil squad on top form (hyperbole dictates that I compare them to the 1970 World Cup winners) -- quick, open, forward, energetic, tight, inventive, entertaining..

And unless ManUre get one more against the Magpies, then we start top of the table -- where we'll stay until Sunday, 24 May 2009.

Oh. They didn't (ha) and I'm liking this a lot..

Carefree.

Isolation

Home alone ..and for the whole weekend. Yay.

I should be enjoying things at my own pace -- and I am, I guess -- but damn, I'm bored.

I'm not completely alone. There's still the dog who's minxing it up as, ehem, top dog and demanding a LOT of attention. But pooch doesn't exactly qualify as stimulating adult company. She's a dog, can't talk and is happier licking her arse and rolling in poo than discussing the pressing issues of the day -- like the sublime brilliance of The Last Shadow Puppets (beyond debate and just statement of fact); whether Gabby Yorath is hotter than Kirsty Gallacher (did I say that out loud?), or is Natty really that good or is it just very good PR (mmmmm)? And of course, the MASSIVELY CRITICAL start of the footie season.

Actually, thinking about it, I don't think P would be terribly interested in any of these topics of conversation -- they're really only my own personal pressing issues ..but you get my drift and I am home alone..

Home alone. Yay.

I can stay up late. I can lie-in late. I can listen to loud music. I can eat junk. I can grow a (wispy) beard. I can go days without washing. I can watch all of the Godfather films (well, the first two anyway) and I can generally behave badly (heck. I'm not a father yet). In short, I can go completely feral.

..But then that's the order for every weekend. P isn't exactly a meanie authoritarian and kinda lets me be ..me. Sweet thing that she is.

So enough, what have I achieved to date all on my lonesome since P departed at 08:00 yesterday? quite a lot.

I've:

- Eaten two pizzas (large)
- Drunk three pints of larger (strong)
- Drunk two and a half bottles of average Australian Chardonnay (circa £6.00)
- Smoked two and a half packs of Marlboro lights (see below -- caning it)
- Had one packet of crisps (Walker's cheese & onion)
- Ate one chip butty (with curry sauce)
- Ate English breakfast amid foul Gooners (and wished them all food poisoning as well as a drubbing by West Brom)
- Ate one ham and cheese sandwich from the local Ukranian cafe
- Watched three crappy horror DVDs. The Hills Have Eyes (remake but good), The Wicker Man (the original and totally excellent) and To The Devil A Daughter (very poor apart from the nubile Nastassia Kinski dressed as a nun -- which is disturbing, but I'm working on it with my therapist..)
- Listened to bad-to-the-bone rock music (Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Nirvana, Oasis, Lynyrd Skynyrd, (eeks) Meatloaf and ..I admit it, MIKA)
- Cleaned, weeded and watered the garden
- Had four very long walks (avec la Moo)
- Did quite a lot of work and had two conference calls (yesterday -- I work from home on Fridays. Yes, I do work..)
- Done four loads of washing
- Done a bit of clearing in the VERY scary second bedroom -- the boudoir (a mad person lives in there..)
- Washed the car (well, paid a gang of Russians to do it)
- Laundered my shirts (well, took them to the Turkish laundry)
- Googled a bit to resolve the Gabby / Kirtsy question (still unresolved, and it's subjective and sexist -- blonde or brunette. Don't start me on Davina..)
- Watched the Olympics a bit
- Read The New Yorker (liked it too)
- Tried reading Harvard Business Review (got bored)
- Read The Guardian (all of it apart from the pointless Family, Your Money and Travel sections)
- Dowloaded apps for the iPhone (lovin' the London tube map with service alerts and PacMan)
- Tried and failed to get some sense from local estate agents re potential sale of the house (it'll happen one day ..really!)
- Pondered the ineptitude of local estate agents (with the credit crunch, have they all gone off to be tour guides in Georgia or running bars in Malia?)
- Bought The Mighty Lemon Drops back catalogue from iTunes (why..?)
- Bought a new pair of Golas (check em -- gorgeous)
- Oh, and missed P (quite a lot)

Busy boy. Well done. But still bored.

So what's on for tonight? More DVDs (Dog Soldiers, yay!) and a curry I think..

Disappointed in the content? Look at the masthead, dumb dumb. It clearly states pointless musings on minutiae. Deal with it or click onto something else.

Home alone. P comes home tomorrow. Yay!

Oh, and as noted, the season started today..

How many trophies? It can't be any worse than close second in everything last year ;-)

CAREFREE

The Final Countdown

Eleven days to go and counting...

I've set Tuesday, 26 August 2008 as the day that I give up smoking once and for all.

This is not a wholly arbitrary date. It's the day that P has her first trimester scan to check-up on the progress of little S. And at week 14, we're as confident as we can be that all is going well in wombland.

P has already paid a visit to a midwife and has been subject to much medical prodding and poking and all is at it should be.

So why set a date? Why not just quit now?

Well a pedantic creature of habit where all things are ideally diarized long in advance, it seems the best way for me to prepare for the loss of an old, if dangerous, odious and undesirable 'friend'.

Not just that, but for the last two months, P -- avec Roo -- has been a paragon of virtue.

No smoking, no drinking, no fun.

Heck, if she can just go 'cold turkey' at the flick of a switch, or rather a pee on a chemical stick, then so can I.

Alex A too has kicked the fags into touch and replaced his addiction to the weed with an obsessive half marathon habit.

..And of course, it's illegal to smoke anywhere nowadays, so why would you?

So here I am a dinosaur. A throwback. A social outcast. Last man, ehem, smoking, if you like.

But my motives are far more fundamentally founded. It's a very very unhealthy thing to do. And becoming a Pa in my (very ;-) early forties, I'm already going to be nearing retirement when junior departs for university or popstardom, or whatever.. So the very least I can / should do, is make every effort to stay alive for as long as possible.

So while I can, I'm caning it for the next week and a half. I'll either keel over with nicotine poisoning (defeating the point of it all), or even better, become thoroughly sick of the evil things. Either way, Tuesday, 26th is D-Day.

While I'm looking forward to a life sans wheezing and with a renewed ability to smell and taste, for now at least, you'll find me behind the proverbial bike shed ..for a few more days yet.

Shiny, Shiny

Last week I bit the bullet and have completed the triumvirate of shiny Apple gear. The iPhone really is a marvel and it's sooo cute.

I could and maybe should say more, but my pretty new precious demands attention..

Definitely, Maybe

I have frequently grumbled about Steve Jobs and all his works, but I am, I fear, tightly ensnared by Apple Inc. -- and, if truth were told, always have been. A sucker for great design and bloody-minded champion of the underdog, that's me.

The recently ranted death saga of iPod #2 was resolved some weeks later with the purchase of a replacement pod (three time lucky?) and a very very cute new 20" iMac (again, a third in a series). It's big but slim, it has a nimble brain and huge capacity, and the internal airport wireless thingie is top notch. Additional expense was incurred with a Scandyna amp to connect and power the Minipod speakers. And of course, there was the wasted ££ on the Leopard OS that didn't take to the iMacG4.

..But now were back online, happily wired and running down a dream. Just a shame that >£1,200 was the not-so-trifling sum to get it all up and running again.

And while I was some time ago 'dissing' the iPhone for its obvious shortcomings, I am succumbing to a rabid craving for the soon to arrive 3G model -- which I sense will live up to the promise that v1 failed to deliver on.

I just hope there are still some left in London the week following next Friday's global launch and inevitable retail outlet feeding frenzy. There's no way I'm going to queue for hours outside the Apple Store, O2 or Carphone Warehouse..

..am I?

Holiday

No nonsense from me, my dear three readers, for the next two weeks.

Pigs In Zen

Isn't this little piglet adorable?

Six-week-old Cinders suffers from mysophobia, a fear of dirt -- an unusual condition for a pig. But her owners found these booties fitted perfectly and now Cinders is as happy as a pig in ...

On An Island

I know the weather is glorious across old Blighty at the mo', but it is wont to change -- quickly and dramatically at that..

This below is the forecast for Kastellorizo, the idyllic little Greek island we're of to for a fortnight from Saturday.

Isn't it boring in its consistency?

And the ultimate horror -- I might just cheer-up for a week or two..

Tell It Like It Is

Today, P sent me a CV and cover letter application to her firm from a post-graduate student. She sent it [saw this and though of you] because the grad used that most horrid of platitudes -- innovative solutions -- in the letter.

And beyond the use of this pointless phrase, the rest of the letter was rendered near-illegible by its dense use of other such double-talk. How not to get a job -- offer your blessed innovative solutions and creative ideas and transpose your committment and ability at the union bar to the internship. (I'm being mean, I know..)

Anyway, I'm not immune to receipt of illiterate bollox in my own line of work and have just received this balderdash from an IT supplier's PR agency as a draft quote attibuted to one of my execs.

"Our customers rely on us to be ahead of the game so that they too stay one step ahead of the competition and can grab the bull by its horns."

Fair play. At the end of the day and when all's said and done, we are afterall, dedicated to enhancing the perfomance of.. ehem, matadors..

;-)

Sweet Thing

The dastardly concession-istas at Marylebone Station have installed a very, very large Haribo pick'n'mix stall. My staple diet is now Happy Cola chews.

I'm in gummy heaven, but feel nauseous, racked with self-loathing and fear for my few remaining teeth.

Thick As A Brick

More, ehem, wonder from those wonderful WAGs..
[Click on image for bigger view]

Speak To Me

I will SELF-HARM if I hear anyone gobbing on about Innovative Solutions ever, ever, ever again!

Catalyst: A radio interview this morning with a Hammersmith councillor discussing his borough's spiffing wheeze to open post offices in churches and libraries as counter to Royal Mail branch closures. These aren't his words per se, but you get the 'MBA-babble' point..

"This proposal is an innovative solution to a complex and challenging paradigm shift in our societal organisational structure. We've assembled a core team of key members to brainstorm strategies, scenario-plan, think outside the box and examine what will stick. Clearly there are synergies here that are win-win going forward and optimally leverage community assets while achieving significant economies of scale." Blah, blah, blah..

It's time we removed idiotic mid-Atlantic corporate double-talk from everyday life. It's bad enough having to live with the meaningless twaddle at work five days a week..

Plain English everyone, please.

I only want bandwidth from my broadband provider.