My mornings this week are beginning to resemble scenes from slasher moves. Blood and gore everywhere. Well, mainly on the lower, hairy area of my face.
The thing is that I've bought a fancy new razor -- the kind of thing that glows in the dark (erm, handy) is battery-operated, buzzes like an electric and has six or seven multi-swivel blades.
All this pseudo-technology is designed to be "The Best A Man Can Get" and give us chaps a rash-free, nick-less, smooth and even shave.
..Does it bollocks.
Damn. The thing is lethal and would be better employed as a weapon in a Tarantino flick.
It matters not how much or how little foam I apply or how carefully I scrape. I'm getting shredded. Every morning.
This means that I spend the first couple of hours each day with bloody scraps of TP all over my mug and am actually carrying a few scabs. I look like I've been tarred and feathered and we're rapidly running out of Andrex.
Sod Beckham, the metro-macho ads and the flannel. I'm growing a beard.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Correspondence
An email exchange between two chaps about the important things in life -- seeking consensus and common ground in a spirit of equanimity..
Though things won't be so equitable on Sunday, 11 March in the sixth round of the F.A. Cup..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tottenham
Sent: 26 February 2007 11:12
To: Chelsea blogger
Subject: RE: :-)
Morning mate.
Fair f***s to your lot yesterday. That bunch of South London diddicoys/cuckoos needed beating (stroppy babies imbued with too much arrogance all round, in my bitter and twisted opinion) and it's just a shame Terry got the kicking instead. I've only seen the still photo on the Beeb's site - that's bad enough. Good job his looks aren't a worry, eh? ;-). As far as the ruck goes, expect about 25-50K fine each I reckon.
Keane's 'Off' yesterday made it all the sweeter in a bizarre way. Probably had to go, but v unfortunate. MoTD made for very happy viewing last night. And whilst Robbie serves his ban, we'll trot wee Defoe out to partner the footballing genius which Berbatov is fast becoming. Not bad at all, and next three league games are all v winnable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Chelsea Blogger
Sent: 26 February 2007 11:05
To: Tottenham
Subject: :-)
Everyone's happy.
You return to winning ways -- 3 wins in a week. Though Keane's an odd one -- two goals and a red card.
We win in Cardiff against a lively bunch of young gooners (but remember we hit to woodwork twice too).
Both DD goals fair and on-side. (28 for the season -- can he make it 40?)
JT is truly made of steel. (Felt sick at the time thinking 'that's spinal..')
20 minutes of extra time -- well, it felt like it anyway.
Then a big old ruck (ehem -- handbags, ladies) and it ended with three reds, seven yellows and more to come in FA enquiry.
Jolly japes.
Carefree
Though things won't be so equitable on Sunday, 11 March in the sixth round of the F.A. Cup..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tottenham
Sent: 26 February 2007 11:12
To: Chelsea blogger
Subject: RE: :-)
Morning mate.
Fair f***s to your lot yesterday. That bunch of South London diddicoys/cuckoos needed beating (stroppy babies imbued with too much arrogance all round, in my bitter and twisted opinion) and it's just a shame Terry got the kicking instead. I've only seen the still photo on the Beeb's site - that's bad enough. Good job his looks aren't a worry, eh? ;-). As far as the ruck goes, expect about 25-50K fine each I reckon.
Keane's 'Off' yesterday made it all the sweeter in a bizarre way. Probably had to go, but v unfortunate. MoTD made for very happy viewing last night. And whilst Robbie serves his ban, we'll trot wee Defoe out to partner the footballing genius which Berbatov is fast becoming. Not bad at all, and next three league games are all v winnable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Chelsea Blogger
Sent: 26 February 2007 11:05
To: Tottenham
Subject: :-)
Everyone's happy.
You return to winning ways -- 3 wins in a week. Though Keane's an odd one -- two goals and a red card.
We win in Cardiff against a lively bunch of young gooners (but remember we hit to woodwork twice too).
Both DD goals fair and on-side. (28 for the season -- can he make it 40?)
JT is truly made of steel. (Felt sick at the time thinking 'that's spinal..')
20 minutes of extra time -- well, it felt like it anyway.
Then a big old ruck (ehem -- handbags, ladies) and it ended with three reds, seven yellows and more to come in FA enquiry.
Jolly japes.
Carefree
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Blue Is, Of Course, The Colour
I love this line from the 1972 squad song. It's soooo untrue :-)
Come to the Shed and we'll welcome you
Anyway, probably the best ever footie song done as a team sing-song.
("In the cup for Tottingham," I ask you..)
Sing along everyone.
Carefree
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Here at the Bridge, whether rain or fine
We can shine all the time
Home or away, come and see us play
You're welcome any day
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name
Come to the Shed and we'll welcome you
Wear your blue and see us through
Sing loud and clear until the game is done
Sing Chelsea everyone
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Come to the Shed and we'll welcome you
Anyway, probably the best ever footie song done as a team sing-song.
("In the cup for Tottingham," I ask you..)
Sing along everyone.
Carefree
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Here at the Bridge, whether rain or fine
We can shine all the time
Home or away, come and see us play
You're welcome any day
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name
Come to the Shed and we'll welcome you
Wear your blue and see us through
Sing loud and clear until the game is done
Sing Chelsea everyone
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Blue is the colour, football is the game
We're all together and winning is our aim
So cheer us on through the sun and rain
'Cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
For The Love Of... (Redux07)
Reheating last year's post..
Today's St. Valentine's Day -- probably the worst example of a 'Hallmark Holiday' known to man.
So who was St. Valentine anyway?
He was a mysterious early catholic martyr -- and a relatively minor one at that. There were two, possibly three St. Valentines, btw.
Oh, how relevant. Anyone for St. Ida of Boulogne? St. Methodius? Or that perennial crowd-pleaser, St. Tarcisius -- the persecuted 12-year-old acolyte mangled by the Romans in the third century?
Right then. I'll get all romantic..
Brilliant.
Today's St. Valentine's Day -- probably the worst example of a 'Hallmark Holiday' known to man.
So who was St. Valentine anyway?
He was a mysterious early catholic martyr -- and a relatively minor one at that. There were two, possibly three St. Valentines, btw.
Oh, how relevant. Anyone for St. Ida of Boulogne? St. Methodius? Or that perennial crowd-pleaser, St. Tarcisius -- the persecuted 12-year-old acolyte mangled by the Romans in the third century?
Right then. I'll get all romantic..
Brilliant.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Saw This And Thought Of ..Me
I spied this aspirational bon mot on a greeting card.
"My ambition in life is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."- Emily Maughan
"My ambition in life is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am."- Emily Maughan
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Erm..
Upon reflection, only a bloke would write about the misery of flu. How self-indulgent. 'Man flu,' I ask you..
But then that's the point of all this, innit? Self-indulgence ;-)
Anyway, an amusing cockney aside.
Overheard a geezer in The Shed yesterday afternoon remarking upon the glory of Drogba's first place kick.
"Solicitor's Letter." quoth Blue philosopher.
Translation. "Tell 'em we mean business."
Carefree.
But then that's the point of all this, innit? Self-indulgence ;-)
Anyway, an amusing cockney aside.
Overheard a geezer in The Shed yesterday afternoon remarking upon the glory of Drogba's first place kick.
"Solicitor's Letter." quoth Blue philosopher.
Translation. "Tell 'em we mean business."
Carefree.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Outbreak UK
Influenza of one kind or another charaterised this week.
The dreaded Bird Flu arrived on these shores proper with a devastating outbreak at the Bernard Matthews turkey farm in Suffolk. Mass slaughter, incineration, DEFRA investigations, questions in The House and much fear and loathing.
Closer to home I've been stricken with a nasty bout of flu of the human kind. This is no weak-tea 'man flu' of mere runny nose and sneezing either. No, it's been truly miserable. A very high temerature with all the usual symptoms -- writ large -- but also with three full days of complete and utter delerium.
Yeah man. Sounds great being totally out of it.
But no. It's been like living through an extended freak-out trip induced by a nasty cocktail of dodgy recreationals. Have a look at thattuneinmyhead. The sheer trippiness of the whole thing is characterised by the fact that Jimi Hendrix's Highway Chile ran on a loop in my head for the first 24 hours. Migrane central and completely insane in the membrane.
I'm sick of Kleenex, Lemsip, Actifed, Strepsils, Vicks, Neurofen and frequent very hot baths. I'm a confirmed OTC junkie and now must find a 12-step programme to address my unwilling addiction to expectorants.
Anyhow, I'm improving now and my employer kindly couriered my laptop to me at home today so I can do something a bit more productive than hucking loogies.
As the charming Mr Matthews might say, "Bootiful."
The dreaded Bird Flu arrived on these shores proper with a devastating outbreak at the Bernard Matthews turkey farm in Suffolk. Mass slaughter, incineration, DEFRA investigations, questions in The House and much fear and loathing.
Closer to home I've been stricken with a nasty bout of flu of the human kind. This is no weak-tea 'man flu' of mere runny nose and sneezing either. No, it's been truly miserable. A very high temerature with all the usual symptoms -- writ large -- but also with three full days of complete and utter delerium.
Yeah man. Sounds great being totally out of it.
But no. It's been like living through an extended freak-out trip induced by a nasty cocktail of dodgy recreationals. Have a look at thattuneinmyhead. The sheer trippiness of the whole thing is characterised by the fact that Jimi Hendrix's Highway Chile ran on a loop in my head for the first 24 hours. Migrane central and completely insane in the membrane.
I'm sick of Kleenex, Lemsip, Actifed, Strepsils, Vicks, Neurofen and frequent very hot baths. I'm a confirmed OTC junkie and now must find a 12-step programme to address my unwilling addiction to expectorants.
Anyhow, I'm improving now and my employer kindly couriered my laptop to me at home today so I can do something a bit more productive than hucking loogies.
As the charming Mr Matthews might say, "Bootiful."
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Bad To The Bone
This is a marvellous leader in today's Scotsman.
Like most people, I believe human children are evil and should be reared in pens. Some people say children start off innocent but are corrupted by the BBC. However, new research shows badness is in the DNA and that some kids would be unpleasant no matter where or how they were brought up.
We need to talk about Kevin, indeed..
This is grim news indeed. Until we can modify ourselves genetically - oh, roll on, glorious day! - it's virtually impossible to nip the nasty nippers in the bud, thus leading to calls for all children to be treated harshly, just to be on the safe side.
Like most people, I believe human children are evil and should be reared in pens. Some people say children start off innocent but are corrupted by the BBC. However, new research shows badness is in the DNA and that some kids would be unpleasant no matter where or how they were brought up.
We need to talk about Kevin, indeed..
This is grim news indeed. Until we can modify ourselves genetically - oh, roll on, glorious day! - it's virtually impossible to nip the nasty nippers in the bud, thus leading to calls for all children to be treated harshly, just to be on the safe side.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Video Nice-ty
With P out and about this week I've had a few evenings to myself.
This is an optimal opportunity to indulge cinematic entertainment at home. And the fact that P doesn't share my blood-lust, it means that I can watch gory gems like The Hills Have Eyes or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
One of my favourites is the 2002 small-budget UK thriller starring Sean Pertwee Dog Soldiers. Basic premise from IMDb etc., is thus:
The film is about a group of British soldiers on routine patrol in Scotland who come across what seems to be a group of man-eating beasts that turn out to be werewolves. The squad seeks refuge in a rickety farmhouse, where a plucky zoologist reveals the horrifying truth about the beasts, which patrol the surrounding wilderness. They do their best to fight off the constant attack by the flesh eating beasts and only one survive. Dog Soldiers is a triumph of invention over slick special effects, and puts to shame some of Hollywood's more recent efforts.
Anyway, it's an excellent brooding example of its genre and has a brilliant scene where a hungry farm dog mistakes Wurzel Gummidge Jnr's guts (they are hanging out of his ripped stomach) for a string of sausages -- so bites, grabs and tries to run off with them.
To my mind this is brilliant, if slightly sick theatre.
Suffice it to say P wasn't so impressed when she saw it and now has banned all horror flicks. (I might exaggerate slightly..)
So anyway, left to my own devices, this week's entertainment was another and very similar Pertwee -- small group lost-in the wilderness terrorised and picked-off one-by-one by shadow-lurking-nasty -- vehicle, titled Wilderness.
This is the blurb from Yahoo! Movies which is quite accurate.
What do you get when you put a group of violent prisoners, including a couple of drug dealers, an armed robber, a serial sex offender and a murderer, on a supposedly uninhabited island with an unknown hunter and pack of killer dogs? Answer: the coolest, most brutal and terrifying British horror film since 28 Days Later...Or as Time Out describes: A bloody slice of survival horror in which ‘Scum’ meets ‘Dog Soldiers’, with a side order of ‘Lord of the Flies’.
Choice. OK, a degree of hyperbole, but still a cut above most and an entertaining Thursday evening.
Anyway, I hear that Hollywood has got in on the act and is planning a sequel release next year, Dog Soldiers: Fresh Blood.
While the fact of Americans messing around with British classics fills me with mortal dread -- anyone see last year's remakes of The Wicker Man?!!! -- I'll reserve judgement..
Again, here's IMDb's blurb.
A small U.S. Unit are immediately sent in to discover what has happened to the missing British unit. They quickly find the British unit's demolished base camp and the apparent only survivor -- but there are no signs of any dead bodies. What has happened to the rest of these men? Now the Unit hear a distant gun-battle. The American troops race across the moonlit forest to rescue the original British Squad who are trapped in the remote farmhouse. However, a second pack of savage werewolves are in pursuit. The new pack is in fact the surviving members of the SAS team now transformed into werewolves, but they have retained trace memories of their commando training. The new werewolves are faster, deadlier and smarter then the original Highland werewolves. These are true Dog Soldiers - and they are hungry for fresh meat.
The premise for a return is masterful. But I always worry when it's Americans to the rescue.
Anyway, P's home tonight so it'll be some sort of inane chick flick. Sob..
This is an optimal opportunity to indulge cinematic entertainment at home. And the fact that P doesn't share my blood-lust, it means that I can watch gory gems like The Hills Have Eyes or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
One of my favourites is the 2002 small-budget UK thriller starring Sean Pertwee Dog Soldiers. Basic premise from IMDb etc., is thus:
The film is about a group of British soldiers on routine patrol in Scotland who come across what seems to be a group of man-eating beasts that turn out to be werewolves. The squad seeks refuge in a rickety farmhouse, where a plucky zoologist reveals the horrifying truth about the beasts, which patrol the surrounding wilderness. They do their best to fight off the constant attack by the flesh eating beasts and only one survive. Dog Soldiers is a triumph of invention over slick special effects, and puts to shame some of Hollywood's more recent efforts.
Anyway, it's an excellent brooding example of its genre and has a brilliant scene where a hungry farm dog mistakes Wurzel Gummidge Jnr's guts (they are hanging out of his ripped stomach) for a string of sausages -- so bites, grabs and tries to run off with them.
To my mind this is brilliant, if slightly sick theatre.
Suffice it to say P wasn't so impressed when she saw it and now has banned all horror flicks. (I might exaggerate slightly..)
So anyway, left to my own devices, this week's entertainment was another and very similar Pertwee -- small group lost-in the wilderness terrorised and picked-off one-by-one by shadow-lurking-nasty -- vehicle, titled Wilderness.
This is the blurb from Yahoo! Movies which is quite accurate.
What do you get when you put a group of violent prisoners, including a couple of drug dealers, an armed robber, a serial sex offender and a murderer, on a supposedly uninhabited island with an unknown hunter and pack of killer dogs? Answer: the coolest, most brutal and terrifying British horror film since 28 Days Later...Or as Time Out describes: A bloody slice of survival horror in which ‘Scum’ meets ‘Dog Soldiers’, with a side order of ‘Lord of the Flies’.
Choice. OK, a degree of hyperbole, but still a cut above most and an entertaining Thursday evening.
Anyway, I hear that Hollywood has got in on the act and is planning a sequel release next year, Dog Soldiers: Fresh Blood.
While the fact of Americans messing around with British classics fills me with mortal dread -- anyone see last year's remakes of The Wicker Man?!!! -- I'll reserve judgement..
Again, here's IMDb's blurb.
A small U.S. Unit are immediately sent in to discover what has happened to the missing British unit. They quickly find the British unit's demolished base camp and the apparent only survivor -- but there are no signs of any dead bodies. What has happened to the rest of these men? Now the Unit hear a distant gun-battle. The American troops race across the moonlit forest to rescue the original British Squad who are trapped in the remote farmhouse. However, a second pack of savage werewolves are in pursuit. The new pack is in fact the surviving members of the SAS team now transformed into werewolves, but they have retained trace memories of their commando training. The new werewolves are faster, deadlier and smarter then the original Highland werewolves. These are true Dog Soldiers - and they are hungry for fresh meat.
The premise for a return is masterful. But I always worry when it's Americans to the rescue.
Anyway, P's home tonight so it'll be some sort of inane chick flick. Sob..