What I (Don't) Want For Christmas

Everyone's gone mad for Apple iPhones. They did in the US over the summer of course, but then that's America -- a country that redefines our more sober interpretations of the word 'mad'.

Today, British loonies are sleeping outside the Apple Store on Regent's Street so they can be first to own the damn thing.

Humbug. I've had Apple gear before and it's utter pants. I can't imagine the iPhone is any different.

For a start, Apple's are notoriously buggy. While lovely to behold, my iMacs have habitually seized and fallen-over. My iPod periodically freezes too -- though to be fair, the 80G 'Classic' is far better than the 20G version three it replaced last year.

The iPhone is supposed to be this magical device that for the first time combines phone, Web, camera and media in one stylish and easy-to-use package.

Sure -- it looks good. But then it's an Apple. As noted, Apples do look lovely, but invariably disappoint.

Let's review the evidence.

The iPhone is quite expensive at £220. It's locked to only the O2 network in the UK and T-Mobile in Germany. It's 2G not 3G, therefore fails in delivering one of its critical USPs -- a true mobile Web experience. It's limited to Apple's obsolete iChat IM. The camera is a measly 2 megapixels. And it only carries 8G of memory with no provision for memory cards, so fails as a meaningful media device.

I think this knitted iPhone is just as pretty, likely more reliable and probably with better functionality.

Nope. This year my Christmas list is sorted and includes quite a lot of 'technology' -- Robert's retro DAB, Tom Tom and X-Box360. But this frippary won't be added. Not until it's cheaper, unlocked, significantly enhanced and like the iMac and iPod/iTunes, is compatible with Windows and other more widely used platforms. Which it inevitably will. So one day. Version 2, 3 or 4..