Mad Cows..?

Hackney Dwellers #1

You have two cows
They are both stolen
You order your milk from Waitrose
It is expensive but organic

Hackney Dwellers #2

You have a cow
You see another cow
Both have benefits
Both are lovely...
You know that you can only have one cow
You spend ages working out the pros and cons of each cow...
You wonder whether the mooing of the second cow will be soothing, or sound unfamiliar
The first cow has a very different moo...
You wonder whether the smell of the second cow might bother you
You remind yourself that the first cow doesn't smell all that good sometimes...
You query whether, in practice, you would be able to milk the second cow - it is much bigger than the first cow...
You arrange a viewing to see the second cow
You consider (against all your better instincts and principles), instructing Foxtons to sell the first cow
You know it would be worth it, but also that it will be expensive and stressful

Country House

OK, we've had builders and gardeners all over the place this, ehem, summer. There was a good reason -- the old place hadn't been sorted since Victoria was on the throne.

The upheaval was nasty, but ultimately worth it. Now we have a great place that will serve as a lovely home for a good while until we *need* more space..

But we have always planned on moving out of London in two or three years.

Anyway, with work done and artisans paid in full, it's only reasonable to have a few agents over to review and appraise..

Eeks! North London valuations are bonkers at 28% increase year-on-year.


And as fate would have it, the details of this beautie -- of comparable price and 30 minutes from King's Cross -- arrived randomly by email last week.

Forget the mid-term plan. The green-ward move may be very very near indeed.

..And so the the story begins.

The Worst Route Planner In The World..?

I only want to get from north London to Richmond Upon Thames..

The Build -- Before And After

Not exactly sequential, but you get the drift.
..Suffice it to say, we're rather pleased.

The Indignity Of It

"I want to lick my foot and I feel like a prat.."

This Charming Man

Interviewer: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Lemmy: No, but I have faked foreplay once or twice.

Pot, Kettle, Black

No not poor old Conrad. He's gonna get his in clink and isn't the only corporate nasty on my shit list today.

BA's chief executive Willie Walsh has today joined the throng criticising Heathrow Airport for handling some 68 million passengers a year when it is only designed to manage 45 million.

"It has gone well beyond the point at which we can expect our customers to put up with the standards," Walsh said of the venerable terminus.

He joins a number of other high-profile and vocal hypocrites having a pop at lovely LHR..

London's Mayor Ken Livingstone and Sir Thomas Harris, vice chairman of Standard Chartered Capital Markets have also damned the world's busiest international airport this week for being too busy.

In his *not unusual for him* irrational outburst, Ken said that Heathrow "shames" the city. Ehem, trips to Venezuela, buddies with the monster Chavez, concentration camp guard quips.. Ken, you really are an arse, aren't you..?

But back to you Willie boy.

Hey, Wills -- tell me all about your concern for the welfare of those customers of yours. Didn't you just get dropped in it by Branson for fixing long-haul prices as revenge for all your dirty tricks? That nasty American Department of Justice just fined you £270 million for hiking fuel surcharges over a one and a half year period (August 2004 to January 2006) from £5 to £60!

[Note: Sneaky wriggle-out by the complicit snitches at Virgin.]

Mmmm. Your indignation is righteous indeed.

Now that's the kind of customer concern I'm after from an airline.

No Shit Sherlock

This, from the BBC Web site yesterday. Insightful reportage of the coroner's report..

Thames Headless Body Was Student

The headless body of a woman found floating in a bag in the River Thames was a Chinese student.

...A post-mortem examination concluded the cause of death as neck injuries caused by a sharp instrument.

As I say, no Sh....

Bela, Is That You Girl?

So there I was, Saturday night past midnight in the living room rapt reading that final book about the boy wizard. P had long-since departed for bed, and while I was dog tired, I kept cajoling myself with, "just one more chapter.."

And as I was still up, the house was unlocked, the garden lights on and the back door ajar. Nothing to worry about. It's a quiet neigbourhood, nice to have a flow-through of air and I'd surely hear anything untoward.

Anyway, at about 12:30 out of corner of my right eye I notice beady eyes, pointy ears and snout and sandy brown fur.

I naturally thought it was our friends Lana and Jon's dog Bela who we're very used to having to stay when they're away. It didn't immediately occur to me that it was slightly odd for Bela to show-up at our place unannounced at such an hour. Lana and Jon do have a set of our doorkeys and have been known to -- and are most welcome to -- stop-by at all hours.


Maybe due to a combination of fatigue at the late hour and under the book's grip, I didn't pay any more attention to our visitor, apart from noticing that Bela had lost weight. Hey, Bela's lost some weight -- good for her -- I thought and returned to The Deathly Hallows.

A few moments more and it dawned on me that clearly an albeit slim-sized Bela hadn't just decided to break-out of De Beauvoir and pitch-up a quarter of a mile away from home in the dead of night to raid Emmie's food bowl (which is never, ever anything but empty anyway).

I removed my glasses, rubbed my eyes and realised that the pointy ears and snout weren't Bela's at all, but instead belonged to a juvenile city fox.

Now Stokie's full of these wiley critters living large on an abundance of scraps, discarded take-aways and streets lined with bin bags.

It's been a long time since I railed against Hackney Council -- but rest assured, refuse collection is still abysmal.

Only three weeks ago -- maybe this chap or an equally inquisitive relative -- padded emulsion paint left outside by the builders across our brand new decking.

Unlike their country cousins, it's widely known that city foxes really are very bold, but I've never heard of one actually venturing with such aplomb into someone's house and just making itself at home.

"Hey, creature. Out" I yelled. Ems and Bela both *tend to* respond to my orders, but this fox just regarded me with mild curiosity and continued about his sniffing. "Hey, creature. Shoo. Shoo," quoth I again and all to nought.

At this point P ventured down to investigate the commotion -- well, to tell me off for waking her with this unnecessary racket. And unlike me she thought our visitor delightfully cute crouched as he was by this time under a living room chair. But acknowledging in heart-of-hearts that a fox is the wrong kind of house pet, we worked together to lure him from hiding and out the door. Though snaring the fellow wasn't easy and all the displaced building junk in the house just made for excellent cover.

Eventually, between us we managed to coax Mr Todd out of his lair, downstairs and back out into the garden.

I'm just pleased that Emmie wasn't home -- as a Springer chasing a fox through an up-market Steptoe's Yard of a house strewn with furniture, boxes, timber, rough cuts of plywood, bathroom fittings, dust and numerous power tools would have been utter mayhem. Moreover, I really wouldn't have relished the job of extricating a young bleeding fox from Emm's teeth and having to clean-up and dispose of said vermin either at that or any hour.

Bela, you might be a bit of a madam and prone to yapping at passers-by, but you're welcome anytime.

And Mr. Fox -- with the building work nearly finished and Emmie returning home, from Thursday onward, please Beware Of The Dog.

Dyb, Bloody Dyb

Robert Baden-Powell, he wot formed the scouts 100 years ago, writing on the character of bees reveals himself to have been quite the fascist.

"They (bees) are quite a model community for they respect their Queen and kill their unemployed."

..Ahh, this explains why scouts and brownies are so attired. Clearly the teachings of this man are not as innocuous as we think! Right now, up and down the country, hundred of thousands of Britain's young women and men are being indoctrinated into some hideous new model army intent of overthrowing the Brown-ite junta. And we thought this scouting lark was all about camping and helping little old ladies across roads.

Hey, best to (sic) be prepared and ever vigilant to the right wing menace. So to quote another famous kook (Intel's Andy Grove),

"Only the paranoid survive."

What You Don't Want To See Underwater..

..Or a good dive ruined.

(Juvenile) Platitude Of The Day

Old Chinese proverb say:
"Man who goes to bed with itchy bottom wake up with smelly finger".

Oh how mature :-)

This is just pointless filler. Desist (Ed).

Platitude Of The Day

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

Sir Winston Churchill

..Sounds like our builders who were only supposed to be with us for four weeks and now it's six, running into seven. I'm sure they've decided to move in for good.

BTW: There's nothing glorious about the state of our kitchen, bathroom or dining area yet..

Rock and Roll Building Materials

With the builders in, one must try to maintain a sense of humour. So I've been having a bit of inventive fun with silly word association. A Letterman kinda thing..

"Emulsion" Early Van Halen album

"Polyfiller" Backing singer for X-Ray Spex

"Bonding Compound" Exclusive VIP backstage area populated by exceptionally attractive groupies

"Door Frame" Difficult dance move from 'rare groove' Northern Soul '80s revival

"Topps Tiles" chirpy Cockney bandleader from the '60s

"Hack Saw" Throat complaint from trying too hard to hit notes beyond limited range

"Putty" Hashish

"Step Ladder" That 'difficult' third album

"Skirting Board" Studio equipment, state-of-the-art in the '70s

"Joist" 'Putty', lit and sprinkled over cigarette tobacco in Rizla

"Faucet" Beer keg specifically, but increasingly used to denote any supply of booze

"Spirit Level" Point of crowd frenzy at the opening bars of third encore

"Rawl Plug" Country legend

"Veneer" Derivative Dutch rockers of any decade

"Set Square" Didn't make the guest list

"G-Clamp" Ex- gang-banging LA rapper

"Dust sheet" Like a rap sheet, but an on-tour tally of drug-related arrests

"Stanley Knife" Genial head roadie

"Plywood" Danish festival, now in its second decade

"Nail Gun" All female Minneapolis post-punk quartet comprised of members aged 12 - 15 years

"Drywall" South London gay club, popular hang-out of diminutive Aussie divas

"U-Bend" Jamaican ragga star

"Plaster" Norweigian death metallers and Eurovision runners-up

"Skip" First name of over-weight, acneyed 16-year-old stakler fan of Nail Gun's bassist, Linda

"Application Nozzle" Rolled-up £20 note - or similar of any currency

"Render" Female groupie who swings any way you want

...and my personal favourite

"Matt Vinal" Lead singer of late '70s new wave combo Fizzy-Popitty that later morphed into early '80s new romantic 'almost-rans'. Now retails neo-punk tat to Japanese tourists in Camden

Ooh, That Oh So Fresh Feeling

Due to the builders doing their thing at home and that we're still sans bathroom, I'm using the shower facilities at the office gym this week.

While there is the ever present issue of veruka collection and the general foustiness one associates with a dingy basement gym, the choice of tea tree shower gel is maybe even more hazardous -- particularly when washing, ehem, ones middle bits. It's invigoratingly stingy, but strangely pleasing..

However, tea tree or more accurately, Melaleuca Oil (Melaleuca Alternifolia), is good for the following, which should set me up nicely:
- Acne
- Athlete's foot
- Dandruff
- Vaginitis
- Thrush
- Periodontal disease
- As an antiseptic
- Boils
- Lice
- Eczema
- Psoriasis

Humm.

A lovely Summer's Day

This [colour] shot taken at 12:00 noon today -- Friday, 20th July. (Well, it could well have..)

Damnit, this day last week was the 13th.

And it gets worse. The rain's in for months to come. So, St. Swithin's Day a myth..?

I think not. It pissed down on the 15th.

"St Swithin’s Day, if it does rain
Full forty days, it will remain."

The Weather Outside Is Frightful..

..But this is where we're off to for a week in September -- only eight weeks away :-)

The Wrong-(Way-'Round) Pants

I know it's full of PR fluff, but this caught my eye in this morning's Metro.

Workers Suffering 'Huge Sleep Debt'

"Most British workers now suffer from 'weekend jet lag' due to disrupted sleep during a typical British weekend, a study suggested yesterday. ..The lie-ins and late nights of a typical British weekend leave people with a 'sleep debt' equivalent to a flight from New York on the red eye..," according to caring, informative corporation employing 'creative PR-types' in bid to grab column inches.

Maybe that's why my underwear is on the wrong way around today..?

Well, It Worked..

..Charlie's calling for is sister, that is.

Amazingly only one day later than forecast, Madeleine Ann Atkinson gave mum a nudge early Saturday evening and made a speedy debut at 20:29 -- and after only about two hours of labour.


Good time keeping and a minimum of fuss are admirable qualities in any woman.


Welcome little one!

Novel Way To Enduce Childbirth..

..Or funny Charlie #2.

My sister's about to produce her second child anytime now -- this time a girl. While Madeleine Ann, a sensible girl's name has been selected, the 'bump' has, for many months, been nicknamed after a commonal-garden vegetable.



So with the arrival of a long-awaited sister imminent, my nephew Charlie greets the day by shouting ‘Come out Cabbage!’ at his mum’s belly every morning.

Precious.