Aaaagggghhh!

Just one of those days, but dammit, I'm being tried.

London traffic is impossible. The city is basically a car park in the bits of road that are serviceable. Everywhere else it's under constant construction.

At work there's always an enticing 'rabbit hole' to bolt down, or some eejit being, well, an eejit.

Our wedding is progressing, but slowly. Painfully so.

And then there's the house and its attendant garden. I know the garden needs hacking, but I know nothing about plants and shrubs and have no idea where to start.

Finally, there's Emmie who needs attention and activity (me too).

Oh, and with Emms comes the green, and it's my self-appointed civic job to remove litter as we go. And each day, it's like painting the Forth Bridge.

Is cloning still illegal?

Weddings: Other People's

My cousin Maurice got hitched yesterday to his now wife Jo.

They were incredibly lucky with the perfect sunny, warm Spring weather. The set-up was perfect too with a lovely pub for a pre-nuptial sharpener just across the road from the old church in the idyllic village of Cookham Dean where they live.

The reception was at the phenomonal Inn On The Green and delivered what in my humble was the best wedding food I've ever had. It started with scallops, followed by impeccable suckling pig and finnished with tart tatin. Superb.

The speeches were great too, and the Best Man recounted a long forgotten, but wonderfully entertaining story of an unhappy 12-year-old Maurice's letter home from 'the back streets of Toulouse.' This is a classic tale of early-teenage angst and deserves to be published here at some point.

Anyway, here's a photo of the happy couple and one of us -- another happy couple with all this to look forward to in only a few short weeks.

Us


Them

The Final Countdown

S***! The wedding is only 10 weeks away!!

I think we're in good shape against the 'big picture,' but there's still so much yet to do. And all of it detail -- and details aren't my strong point.

And all these wee details come at a price too, of course.

OK, we're in good shape financially, but still there will be the inevitable surprises.

That's why I'm now looking around at what we might have to hoc, barter and sell. And after a somewhat gruesome feature in a recent weekend supplement, there's apparently a roaring trade in body parts.

So please feel free to browse my eBay pages at:
http://www.ebay.co.uk/clives_liver_kidney_bigtoes_indexfingers_earlobe

But I jest. It's really not so dire. Afterall, I was just named Employee Of The Week at my supplementary evening job at the Bayswater Road branch of McDonalds.

And with this on the CV, the sky's the limit and I'm hopeful that I'll interview well next week for Mr. Patel's coverted paper round.

Home Alone

I'm home alone this evening and in a bit of a fix food-wise.

Usually, this doesn't present a problem as I'm rather self-sufficient and will typically sort myself out with a pretty simple but relatively healthy (baked-beans-based) meal and settle into re-running series 1 of Spooks on on-demand TV.

I could go for the easy and obvious beans option, or be more adventurous and look deeply into the big well-stocked, if unfortunately-named continental silver fridge (think: Red Dwarf), and rustle-up something exotic.

The only problem is that I've just been given an Easter egg and am sorely tempted to indulge in a marathon, self-indulgent, teeth-fizzling sugar frenzy.

Clearly, I'm missing adult company and conversation (take note Miss P).

To make a point I could go 'hog wild' on the Cadbury's, get a serious rush going, tear-up the house and blame it all on the dog..

Two Wheels Good?

Someone in my ear-shot recently remarked upon a growing menace to London's public health, using the term to categorise this blight as 'London's Vermin.'

No, this isn't the Capital's beleaguered pigeons. Nasty, diseased little buggers they are, they aren't too smart and just don't know any better.

The gentleman in question was referring to cyclists.

Since 7/7 and the advent of CC cyclists are appearing from everywhere.

Don't get me wrong. I applaud this move to two wheeled transport. It's efficient, it's healthy and it's practically free. I used to cycle everywhere when I lived in Amsterdam.

But there's a critical difference. Amsterdam is a city designed and regulated to encourage the cyclist over and above all other forms of transports -- apart from the city's clanging, but excellent trams.

London's streets, as they are, just aren't equipped for cyclists. There's too much traffic outside the Congestion Zone and not enough road provision from cycle lanes.

With this in mind, I'm sympathetic to London's valiant cyclists. Really, I am. But being a put-upon minority is no reason for stupidity and arrogance.

London's cycling fraternity -- to a man, woman and the occasionally unwashed 'May Day Maniac' -- hit the road with a complete disregard for The Highway Code and consideration for other road users or pedestrians.

They fail to recognise (or stop at) traffic lights; don't stop at pedestrian crossings; they go the wrong way down one-way streets; many have iPod headphones in their ears; and most seem oblivious to the legitimate manoeuvres of other road users.. The list of daily offenses goes on. Oh, and of course, they get in the way of buses and taxis thereby slowing down the already crawling traffic.

Much of this is annoying to the majority, plain stupid and (durr) very dangerous.

So what can be done?

Well, the ever-increasing Congestion Zone is a lot clearer of traffic so cyclists should head into it.

But if Mayor Ken is so keen to encourage more engine-free two-wheelers onto the streets, he should invest in more cycle lanes. Equally, he should actively encourage acknowledgement of the rules-of-the-road and re-institute the Cycling Proficiency Test of my childhood (you get a nice badge too).

Finally, and most importantly, cyclists must acknowledge and act upon their own responsibility as road users and be considerate of all of us with whom they co-exist in this overcrowded city. Either that or plan ahead for hospital visits -- or worse.

And I Only Have Three Friends..

Well I just can't count, clearly.

'My lot' overwhelemed our house-warming party last night with folk flocking to N16 from all over the capital, and RJB and PJ from coming as far a-field as Holland.

Between 6:00pm and midnight we had about 35 people through the Stamford door -- not at all bad. Not least that with a lot of diary conflicts on Pip's side, the high proportion of guests were ostensibly my friends.

We're agreed that Alex and Katie are always going to be the couple that keep us up just that little bit later than we should and the people with whom we share that one or two glasses more than we really need. They then are the cause of our slightly sore heads..

A very big and sincere that you from both of us to all that made the effort to join us in celebrating our mega-mortgages.

C&P

Homes And Garden (Other People's..)

This is Claire and Alex's newly remodelled living room. Their whole house has been refitted, and has taken nearly five months. OK -- the job was late and way over budget, but heck, if this pic is anything to go by, it's well worth it.

Top work Atkinsons and congrats on your completely 'new home.'

Environmental Fascism

Dear Resident,

I am writing to let you know that from 27 February 2006, it will be compulsory for all households to separate their waste for recycling.

...Blah, blah, blah. Two more pages of condescending politico-blather from Comrade Jessica Crowe (any relation to arsehole Bob?), Deptuty Mayor and Cabinet Member for Environment, Hackney Council

Not only is this riddled with gramatical errors, it's patronising, authoritarian and frankly annoying.

I'm generally a well-balanced and reasonable man, and not one to construct a persecution complex of endless directed-at-me conspiracy theories.

All right, a lilly gilded, and I will admit to slight Meldrew tendencies.

But one thing that continues to really get my goat is Hackney Council. Not only am I paying two sets of monthly council taxes in an obscenely high band to one of the most expensive councils in the UK, but I seem to get precious little in return.

It's been a few months since my last rant about street cleaning and rubbish removal, and of course, nothing's changed. There are still enough discarded and rusting fridges, washing machines, PCs and TVs to make Albert Steptoe salivate with glee.

What are the council doing to remove this blight for our streets? Absolutely bloody nothing, of course.

I know because I call them often enough to remind them that our little part of N16 is fast resembling a neglected and underprivileged trailer park in the Deep South. I'm then politely reminded that 'Travellers' have rights too and this is a multi-racial, culturally diverse and all-round Eden of enlightened co-existence.

OK. I'm fine with this -- in principal. I canvassed for Kinnock between the wars don't you know. But, dammit, let's get the street cleaned.

But no. That's too simple. Simplicity doesn't provide enough opportunities for politically infirm career eejits to form committees, quangos and focus groups and have long pompous, self-serving meetings.

So instead of cleaning and clearing the streets, Hackney is gung-ho for recycling. Again, I'm broadly in support of this worth initiative. But -- surprise, surprise -- there's a gaping disconnect between concept and practical application.

Hackney now insist that we all adhere to a regimen of using colour-coded plastic bins for our recycled waste. Green, blue and brown for bottles and cans, paper and garden cuttings.

Again, great. Colour-codes are perfect for my Pooh Bear-sized male brain. Signpost something clearly enough, and I'll get there in the end..

The only problem is that these delightful municipal containers are amassed outside everyone’s front doors and littering the streets.

Simply, a lot of people just don't have the room to house these things, so instead keep them outside their homes to further serve the community as ready bins for anything that the idle passer-by chooses to lob in -- bottles (broken), beer cans, fast food packaging, spittle, vomit.. The list goes on.

Solution: More big recycling centres and more frequent emptying of said. This would not only ensure that we dutiful citizens comply with the junta's latest insane directive, but also means that our streets are clear, tidy and free of obstacles.

This is a photo from the recycling section of Hackney's own Web site -- I'm guessing that it's intended to make these dumb receptacles seem somehow desirable..?



I think you get the point.

I'll Be Mostly..

..Sitting with my feet up :-)

The Difference Between Country And The Blues

Country
Man drives his pick-up truck home from working double shift in a hot and smelly factory. He finds his small battered house empty with only the dog on the mat and a note from his woman that she's left him and taken all their belongings.
Sad. That's country.

Blues
Man finds his pick-up truck gone after working double shift at a hot and smelly factory. He walks 10 miles home in the cold pouring rain only to find his small, shabbly house empty with a note to from his woman to tell him that she's taken all their belongings, his truck *and* his dog.
Tragic. That's the blues

Sympathy For The Devil

The old addage that the Devil has all the best tunes rings true.

After spending a couple of hours listening to and selecting wedding-related Church music -- solo arias, choiral pieces, entry and exit organ ditties -- I'm a bit jaded and in need of some (sic) secular noise pollution.

It's not just me with jangled nerves, but Emms, while soothed by the arias (good dog), became rather agitated by the organ stuff for entry and exit of church. A lot of this is in the high range and therefore somewhat bothersome to a doggie's sensitive ears.

So now I'm working my way through some early Zep and all's well at 'Stamford.' (I've been allowed to name the house after a football ground, btw). I'm soothed by the heavy bluesy music and so too is the pooch.

Strangely, it was dull, overcast and drizzly while we reviewed the church music, but now the sun's come out and it's a lovely early Spring evening.

It's true. The Devil really does have all the good tunes, and his exultation can seemingly effect climate change too.

Now if I can just figure out how to play 'Stairway To Heaven' backwards through iTunes..