Stupid Corporate Branding Goes Nationwide

Driving through London each morning (naughty me ;-) provides for much opportunity to absorb all manner of corporate branding. There are billboards and hoardings and buses and taxis all brightly adorned with consumer advertising -- for cinema movies, DVD releases, albums, home stores, clothing, financial services, lifestyle magazines et al.

Also, I'm long used to sharing the road (shame) with the ubiquitous "white van man" -- the hazardous road warriors of Britain's small traders. These too announce themselves on their vehicles, but with more low-fi, descriptive 'branding': witness, Honest Bob's Plumbing, Catford, tel: obviously a mobile, email: bobplum@hottail.com.

But increasingly, the good-old, reliable (i.e., no regard for the rules of the road; other road users or pedestrians; their indicators; traffic lights; box junctions; lanes; speed limits etc.) British white van men and women seem to be aping the corporate branding philosophies of larger business service firms. Regardless of their field -- carpenter, bricklayer, electrician, waste disposal.. -- our nation's artisans are all busy devising nonsensical company positioning.

I should know about the sometimes idiotic branding of service firms. I work in business services and my two previous employers, for instance, have carried "Helping Business Thrive on Technology Change" and "Many Minds, Singular Results" as their respective tag lines. While not very elegant, the first kinda says what the company does. NB: It has now since 'rebranded' to the possibly even more insipid "Making Leaders Successful Every Day". The second is a wee bit more obtuse, but dutifully indicates a service mentality. My current employer too has something equally natty yet inscrutable as its tag -- a play on ingenuity, cleverness, value... (Sorry, no names, no pack drill)

But today, I find that I must have awoken to a parallel universe. The capital's white van folk seem to have swapped The Sun or The Mirror for The Economist and Harvard Business Review as their periodicals of choice. Their new brand identities are now homogenous lumps of hackneyed business-esque techno-babble -- 'full of M.B.A. but signifying nothing'.

Two instances today caused me to pull the car over, reach for pen and paper and make notes so as not to forget.

The first van owned by the company, Geze, has positioning awash with the florid meaningless adjectives of a Palo Alto software firm -- 'solutions', 'integrated' and 'systems', and its tag -- "Opening Doors To Innovation". What does Geze do? Furniture design, architecture, advertising? No, it's a glazier. That's the people who fit windows. Mmmm..

The second, JPS Group, offers its customers the intriguing promise of "Infinite Possibilities". And the good people at JPS, what is their business, pray? Systems integration, management consultancy, venture capital? Nope, it's, ehem, office supplies. That's paper clips and stickie notes to you and me. So how infinite are the possibilities for making bouncy balls from elastic bands? Do tell JPS..

Good grief.

Come back all you honest Bills, Bobs and Brians. Your driving is still atrocious, but we expect that of you and at least we know who you are.